Dave & Jilly discuss:
month bad girl of the kitchen Nigella Lawson joins Kitsch Dave
and jobbing wine critic Jilly Goolden. Up for grabs on the music
front are xkm1969 with Mezzer & The Gangsta Ducks.
Kitsch Dave – Hello and welcome to the couch, my good friend,
and yours, Jilly Goolden!
Goolden – Hello Dave. It’s great to be back in chez
Kitschville. Who’s this tart at the side of me though?
Lawson - <<glares at Jilly>>
– Erm, well this is queen of the kitchen Nigella Lawson.
She’ll be reviewing the music with us this month. Welcome
- <<looks to the camera and pouts>> It’s wonderful
to be here.
– Well, seeing as I’m the main star of this show,
lets get started. Who’s music are we listening to this month?
– Well, we’ve got a new name to me xkm1969 and a track
called “Don’t turn your back on me” and we have
some ducks from Yorkshire calling them selves The Gangsta Ducks
and a track called “Fear of a quack planet”.
- <<slowly brushes the hair away from her ear, then turns
to face the camera>> Sounds delightful…
- <<shifts uncomfortably on the sofa>>
KD – Ok then, onto the music. First up is xkm1969 with “Don’t
turn your back on me”. A gorgeous slice of classy pop.
– The intro is very nice. It builds and builds and you can
just tell that it’s leading to something special.
– Yeah. That piano is lovely. And when the beat comes in,
followed by the vocals… I’m in St Etienne heaven!
This is pop music as it should be.
– Those keyboards are a bit cheesy.
– What like a cheddar?
– Oh no darling. More of a Brie. One that dribbles as you
push your finger in. One that dribbles down your chin as you gently
ease it into your mouth…
– I think the retro sound of the keyboards add to the track.
No one seems to make big overstated pop songs like this anymore,
so why not have retro sounding keys? I think that Mezzer has done
wonders with the backing track here. The vocals are so dreamy
don’t you think?
– Yeah, they really do make the track. The slight French
accent that comes across is very nice. Like the whiff of ugly
fruit you get in a 1985 bottle of Blue Nun. Where’s the
wine by the way?
– More like the whiff of wee and biscuits you get sat next
– The producers have banned all alcohol from future shows
because of the meths incident last time…
– Ha ha ha! Was that the one were Jilly drank a whole bottle
of meths thinking it was an alcopop? Priceless!
– Back to the song in hand. I do think the ending is a touch
- <<in fits of laughter>> Why so?
– At 30 seconds it is far too long. This is a punchy pop
song and should end in a punchy way. If this was on an album I
would have expected the track to kick in again for another minute
and a half, not just fade out. As a single mix it doesn’t
quite work. Maybe a bit of add lib vocals and a much shorter fade
would round it off better?
- <<still laughing>> Whatever. (to Jilly) Of course
you know the cool kids are drinking Meths Ice these days!
JG – Anyhows… What about these ducks?
– They are from Yorkshire. They are hardcore Gangsta rappers.
They are hard so-an-so’s. Some may say ne’er-do-wells…
– I’m sure I saw them in the Met Bar chatting up Zoë
Ball last week.
– How did you get in the Met Bar?
– Some of us haven’t had our TV shows cancelled…
– It was I that left the show Nigel. I refused to work with
that Worrell Thompson creature!
– That’s not what he told me.
– Ladies! Please! Can we get back to the music? Would you
say stood up against the giants of Hip Hop like Run DMC et al,
or is it best forgotten like Vanilla Ice?
JG – This one reminds me of Snoopy Dog Dog. Or that other
one… What’s his name? Gay Dad or something…
– Puff Daddy?
– Yeah, that’s the one. I like his stuff.
– My God! You’re such a fag hag Jilly!
– Oh! That’s fine coming from the self-titled “Domestic
- <<turns toward the camera, pouts, spits on her clenched
fist and socks Jilly clean across the chin>>
– Ladies! Please!
- <<clutching her chin>> Oh go for a cig break then.
We all know you’re only happy with a fag in your mouth!
<<Lurches towards Nigella and drags her down to the floor
by her hair>>
– Lets just say that “Fear of a Quack planet”
is the most thought provoking and inspired piece of Hip Hop this
county has seen for a long, long time…
– <<muffled>> Old hag!
– Join us next time when our special guests are rumoured
to be Atomic Kitten…