Dave & Jilly discuss:

This month bad girl of the kitchen Nigella Lawson joins Kitsch Dave and jobbing wine critic Jilly Goolden. Up for grabs on the music front are xkm1969 with Mezzer & The Gangsta Ducks.

Kitsch Dave – Hello and welcome to the couch, my good friend, and yours, Jilly Goolden!

Jilly Goolden – Hello Dave. It’s great to be back in chez Kitschville. Who’s this tart at the side of me though?

Nigella Lawson - <<glares at Jilly>>

KD – Erm, well this is queen of the kitchen Nigella Lawson. She’ll be reviewing the music with us this month. Welcome Nigella.

NL - <<looks to the camera and pouts>> It’s wonderful to be here.

JG – Well, seeing as I’m the main star of this show, lets get started. Who’s music are we listening to this month?

KD – Well, we’ve got a new name to me xkm1969 and a track called “Don’t turn your back on me” and we have some ducks from Yorkshire calling them selves The Gangsta Ducks and a track called “Fear of a quack planet”.

NL - <<slowly brushes the hair away from her ear, then turns to face the camera>> Sounds delightful…

JG - <<shifts uncomfortably on the sofa>>

KD – Ok then, onto the music. First up is xkm1969 with “Don’t turn your back on me”. A gorgeous slice of classy pop.

JG – The intro is very nice. It builds and builds and you can just tell that it’s leading to something special.

KD – Yeah. That piano is lovely. And when the beat comes in, followed by the vocals… I’m in St Etienne heaven! This is pop music as it should be.

NL – Those keyboards are a bit cheesy.

JG – What like a cheddar?

NL – Oh no darling. More of a Brie. One that dribbles as you push your finger in. One that dribbles down your chin as you gently ease it into your mouth…

KD – I think the retro sound of the keyboards add to the track. No one seems to make big overstated pop songs like this anymore, so why not have retro sounding keys? I think that Mezzer has done wonders with the backing track here. The vocals are so dreamy don’t you think?

JG – Yeah, they really do make the track. The slight French accent that comes across is very nice. Like the whiff of ugly fruit you get in a 1985 bottle of Blue Nun. Where’s the wine by the way?

NL – More like the whiff of wee and biscuits you get sat next to her!

KD – The producers have banned all alcohol from future shows because of the meths incident last time…

NL – Ha ha ha! Was that the one were Jilly drank a whole bottle of meths thinking it was an alcopop? Priceless!

KD – Back to the song in hand. I do think the ending is a touch deceiving.

NL - <<in fits of laughter>> Why so?

KD – At 30 seconds it is far too long. This is a punchy pop song and should end in a punchy way. If this was on an album I would have expected the track to kick in again for another minute and a half, not just fade out. As a single mix it doesn’t quite work. Maybe a bit of add lib vocals and a much shorter fade would round it off better?

NL - <<still laughing>> Whatever. (to Jilly) Of course you know the cool kids are drinking Meths Ice these days!

JG – Anyhows… What about these ducks?

KD – They are from Yorkshire. They are hardcore Gangsta rappers. They are hard so-an-so’s. Some may say ne’er-do-wells…

NL – I’m sure I saw them in the Met Bar chatting up Zoë Ball last week.

JG – How did you get in the Met Bar?

NL – Some of us haven’t had our TV shows cancelled…

JG – It was I that left the show Nigel. I refused to work with that Worrell Thompson creature!

NL – That’s not what he told me.

KD – Ladies! Please! Can we get back to the music? Would you say stood up against the giants of Hip Hop like Run DMC et al, or is it best forgotten like Vanilla Ice?
JG – This one reminds me of Snoopy Dog Dog. Or that other one… What’s his name? Gay Dad or something…

NL – Puff Daddy?

JG – Yeah, that’s the one. I like his stuff.

NL – My God! You’re such a fag hag Jilly!

JG – Oh! That’s fine coming from the self-titled “Domestic Goddess”.

NL - <<turns toward the camera, pouts, spits on her clenched fist and socks Jilly clean across the chin>>

KD – Ladies! Please!

JG - <<clutching her chin>> Oh go for a cig break then. We all know you’re only happy with a fag in your mouth! <<Lurches towards Nigella and drags her down to the floor by her hair>>

KD – Lets just say that “Fear of a Quack planet” is the most thought provoking and inspired piece of Hip Hop this county has seen for a long, long time…

NL – <<muffled>> Old hag!

JG – Slag!

KD – Join us next time when our special guests are rumoured to be Atomic Kitten…

<<Cue end credits>>